“At the end of the day, you don’t need intensity, you need intimacy.” — Esther Perel
We’ve all been there…that moment when your heart flutters, your cheeks flush, and suddenly you’re replaying a simple coffee date in your mind like it’s the greatest romantic movie ever filmed.
Chemistry is intoxicating. But as I’ve learned through years of research and countless client conversations, it’s also one of the least reliable indicators of relationship potential.
As women, we’re often socialized to prioritize that spark—to treat butterflies like sacred messengers of compatibility. I see it in my clients, my friends, and if I’m being honest, in my own dating history: we mistake intensity for intimacy.
So what should we be paying attention to?
The chemistry trap
Chemistry isn’t bad. It’s just incomplete data. It’s a complex cocktail of physical attraction, timing, hormones… and often, our own attachment wounds recognizing familiar patterns. When we make decisions primarily through the lens of chemistry, we’re essentially letting our limbic system override our prefrontal cortex—the part of our brain responsible for discernment and alignment with our values.
“I know he’s not available/consistent/thoughful, but the chemistry is just so strong,” is a sentence I’ve heard repeatedly in my 11 years as a love & empowerment coach. It’s a sentence that often precedes months or years of heartache.
The vulnerability paradox
What makes this particularly challenging is what I call the vulnerability paradox. Making empowered dating choices requires vulnerability—the courage to show up authentically…to let ourselves be seen and potentially face rejection. Yet when chemistry overwhelms our senses, we often confuse surrendering our boundaries with being vulnerable.
True vulnerability in dating isn’t abandoning your needs in pursuit of connection. It’s having the courage to maintain your boundaries while still opening your heart. It’s saying, “I’m interested in you, AND I want to go slow. Because in addition to attraction, I also need consistency, connection, and shared values.”
What to focus on instead
“Trust is built in very small moments, not grand declarations.” — John Gottman
So if chemistry isn’t our north star, what is? Through my research, I’ve found that women who make empowered dating decisions focus on these 5 things:
Character. Does this person have the qualities you’re looking for in a life partner? Are they someone you’re proud to be with? Someone you want to introduce to your friends & family? Someone who could be a role model to your kids (real or imagined)?
Values. Does this person share similar values? How do they show up for their loved ones? How do they treat service workers? How do they talk about their ex-partners? What do they do when they’re frustrated? Values reveal themselves in actions, not words.
Emotional availability. Is this person capable of showing up emotionally, not just physically? Can they name their feelings beyond “fine” and “good?” Can they hold space for difficult emotions? Do they have friendships where vulnerability is practiced?
Consistency between words and actions. The single greatest predictor of trustworthiness isn’t grand gestures—it’s small moments of kept promises. “I’ll call you tomorrow” followed by an actual call builds more trust than elaborate declarations of feeling.
How you feel in their presence. Not just the excitement, but the bigger picture. Do you feel accepted and appreciated? Respected? Can you be yourself without editing? Do you feel safe?
The courage to choose differently
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” — Stephen Chbosky
Making empowered dating choices isn’t about ignoring chemistry. It’s about putting it in its proper place—as one data point among many. It requires the courage to sit with uncertainty, to allow connection to build gradually, and sometimes, to walk away from intense attraction when other elements don’t align.
It’s also about having self-compassion when we find ourselves magnetized by chemistry despite our best intentions. The pull is real. The neural pathways are established. Choosing differently takes practice.
But here’s what I know to be true: When we gather the courage to date from a place of worthiness rather than worry, when we prioritize connection over chemistry, we create the possibility for relationships that don’t just excite us—they sustain us.
And that’s a different kind of butterflies altogether. The kind that comes not from toxic uncertainty, but from the quiet recognition of being truly known, accepted and valued. That’s the foundation not just of healthy dating, but of a healthy, empowered relationship.
xo Karen
Resources
If you have a pattern of attracting the wrong partners and want to know how to change your dating experience and find real love, I invite you to join me for Finding Love in the Modern Age.
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