“Infatuation can be intense, but true love is patient and enduring.” — Unknown

 

After hundreds of conversations with both women and men, I’ve found that many people are confusing infatuation with love.

And when we confuse love and infatuation, it causes all sorts of problems…like rushing into a relationship too soon, committing to living together or getting married too quickly, choosing the wrong partner, staying too long, and feeling heartbroken when things don’t work out.

So let’s look at the important differences between love and infatuation.

The differences between love and infatuation

“Infatuation is when you think you’re in love, but you’re really just in love with the idea of being in love.” — Unknown

 

Let me ask if this has ever happened to you…

You meet someone (in real life or online), and see some characteristics you’ve been looking for, and fall “head over heels,” becoming obsessed with what they’re doing, who they’re with, and whether they’re choosing you. And everything else in your life suddenly becomes less important.

Do you know what I’m talking about?

The feelings are so intense, it seems like it must be love. But is it?

Let’s look at the differences between love and infatuation…

Infatuation: 

1. 1. How it starts: A feeling of passionate desire and euphoria that quickly consumes you
   2. Characteristics: Urgency, sexual desire, idealizing, and obsessive thoughts
   3. Core desire: To constantly be together and possess the other
   4. Emotions: Anxiety, jealousy, paranoia
   5. Analogy: They are like a drug to you…you can’t focus on anything else or sleep
   6. Level of closeness: You feel like you’re merging with the other person / can’t live without them
   7. Other relationships: You neglect or abandon other important relationships
   8. Conflicts: Often result in fights and win-lose solutions where you feel distant from each other
   9. Identity: You lose your identity and feel like you’re becoming less of who you really are
   10. Long-term effect: You experience a quick start & finish, feel empty and alone, obsess about what was lost, crave a replacement (or a reunion), and miss out on present life happiness with other people

Love: 

1. 1. How it starts: A feeling of deep affection and respect that builds over time
   2. Characteristics: Patience, mutual understanding, and desire for the entire person
   3. Core desire: For each person to be their best self and be happy together
   4. Emotions: Fondness, affection, respect, generosity
   5. Analogy: They are like a best friend to you…you want what’s best for them
   6. Level of closeness: You feel close, but each maintain your own identities and interests
   7. Other relationships: You each continue to nurture other important relationships
   8. Conflicts: You work peacefully together to resolve differences and find win-win solutions
   9. Identity: You grow, evolve and become a better version of yourself
   10. Long-term effect: You experience security, peace, stability, trust, partnership…a stable environment for stepping out into the world, knowing someone has your back and wants what’s best for you

How to know it’s love

“True love is not about being inseparable; it’s about two souls united by choice.” — Unknown

 

So when you first meet someone and you feel excited, how can you tell if it’s real love or not? The truth is you can only REALLY know this over time.

People will say it was “love at first sight,” but really, that’s only because their love lasted…so now with hindsight they can say they “always knew.” But in the beginning, you can feel hopeful but can’t really know for sure.

In the early stages of dating, the chemistry/spark/excitement you feel is infatuation.

It’s too early to say you truly love someone as you don’t really KNOW them deeply. And it’s too early for them to know they really love YOU.

If you’ve ever had someone come on too fast, you’ll know what I mean.

When someone says they love you or want a commitment too soon shortly after meeting you (before really knowing you), it feels uncomfortable. Like they are desperate for a relationship, and will settle for anyone. (Because they will.) Like they’ve fallen in love with an idealized version of you, not the real you. (Because they have.) Like you’ll fall off the pedestal they have you on once you have a bad day or disagreement. (Because you will.)

If someone really loves you, they’ll want you to be happy too. They’ll respect your boundaries, your needs, and your choices. They’ll understand and want you to be happy if you decide they are not the right match for you.

What is not love

Here’s the thing…if you can’t stop thinking about someone, and need to rush in, and feel jealous when they pay attention to anyone else, and can’t let them go even if it’s bad for you, that’s not love (even if it feels intense). Or at least, it’s not healthy love.

Too many people use “love” as an excuse to justify all kinds of unhealthy behaviours:

• • Stalking someone online (e.g. tracking someone on GPS, reading their emails or texts)
  • Stalking someone in real life (e.g. driving by their house to see whose car is in the driveway)
  • Obsessing over someone’s every move (e.g. watching every post on Facebook)
  • Creating “emergencies” to seek out their attention
  • Trying to get between them and their new partner
  • Ignoring other important relationships
  • Not meeting your own needs / knowing how to be happy on your own

These behaviours are not signs of love…they are signs of infatuation and addiction.

Take it slow

Healthy love requires getting to really know someone deeply, and deciding not only that you like what you have in common, but also if you can live with their flaws and idiosyncrasies.

It’s ok to be excited to meet someone you think could be “it.” But don’t let your hormones and excitement cloud your judgment.

In other words, SLOW IT DOWN at the beginning.

Get to know them to see if they fit with what you really want long-term. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for yet another short-term relationship that burns out quickly like a brush fire.

What do I mean by slow it down? I mean:

• • Pace yourself…go on a date or two a week (instead of spending every day together).
  • Don’t spend every minute of the day texting / watching your phone.
  • Hold off on sex until you the person well enough to feel safe and want to share your body.
  • Hold off on being exclusive and committing your heart to someone you barely know.
  • Get to know the person gradually (instead of investing all your time/energy in them).
  • Keep investing in other areas/relationships in your life (don’t ditch your friends).

Real love takes time to build, like a slow-burning fire.

Taking it slow is the best way to know if you’ve found the right person for you, and to create a healthy, happy, stable relationship that lasts.

Remember…the initial excitement you feel only tells you this person MIGHT be what you’re looking for. Real love requires really getting to know who someone really is, and that takes TIME.

So be patient, and look for the one who is good for you, not just exciting…who can not just light the fire, but keep it burning long-term.

xo Karen

Upcoming training

If you want to learn more about healthy relationships, I’m excited to announce a brand-new free training called: Empowered Love: Creating healthy, happy relationships! 💖

Here’s what we’ll be covering:

• • Common myths and truths about love
  • The differences between healthy and toxic love
  • Why good people choose bad partners
  • Why it feels like you’re stuck on repeat
  • How to empower yourself in love!

Register for this all-new training here!

Resources

For more on this topic, see:

• • When love isn’t healthy
  • Loving without losing (free online training)
  • Empowered love (free online training)

Share your ideas

How did you know when it was really love? How long did it take to feel sure? Please share…