“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” ―Jim Rohn

There are many studies that show the people we’re around most greatly influence the quality of our life. That’s why it’s so important to make sure you’re consciously choosing who you hang out with.

Our friends, partners & family members influence our beliefs, standards, behaviour, choices, even identity. They also influence who we are introduced to through their social circles.

So if you want to improve the quality of your life, a key area to take a look at is the quality of your relationships. Do you have good, healthy people in your life who are fun and trustworthy, who motivate and inspire you? Or are you hanging out with people you don’t enjoy out of habit or obligation?

Let’s do a relationship audit to help you assess whether you have the right people in your life (and if you don’t, what to do about it)…

Identify what matters to you in a relationship

“Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher.” ―Oprah Winfrey

To decide if the people in your life are the right people, it’s important to start with what matters most to you.

Reflect on the following questions:

• • What are my core values? (What do I believe is most important in life?)
  • What qualities do I most appreciate in others?
  • What behaviours do I most value in others?
  • How do I want to be treated?
  • What are my deal-breakers (the things that make a relationship not worthwhile)?

Make a list of what you most want in a relationship, as well as what you won’t accept.

Evaluate your current relationships

“The people you choose to have in your life say a lot about you.” ―Socrates

Once you’ve identified your criteria for what matters most to you in a relationship, it’s time to do a relationship audit and look at the key relationships in your life.

1. 1. Make a list of any important relationships (family, friends, romantic relationships).
   2. For each relationship, rate on a scale of 1-10 how well they meet your criteria.
   3. Make a list of the positives each person brings to your life, and the negatives.
   4. Do you feel you’re a better version of you around them, or a worse version?
   5. Do you feel safe and valued, or anxious and not appreciated?
   6. Can you communicate openly with them (even when upset)?
   7. Do you trust them to have your back (even when you’re not in the room)?

Signs of a toxic relationship

“True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” ―Brené Brown

Too often, we continue relationships blindly out of habit or because we want to belong…but what if you’re trying to fit in with the wrong people?

If you feel you have to be someone you’re not, or frequently feel like the odd person out, it’s quite likely you’re hanging out with the wrong people for you.

Some signs to pay attention to that a relationship may be unhealthy for you include:

• • Guilt-tripping: They make you feel guilty for not being available or for setting boundaries. They may play the victim and make you feel responsible for their emotions or problems.
  • Gaslighting: They deny or minimize your experiences and make you question your own reality or perceptions. They blame you for their own behavior or actions.
  • Love-bombing: They shower you with excessive attention, affection, and promises in order to gain your loyalty. Then they either withdraw, or expect you to contribute even more than they did.
  • Sniper attacks: They make subtle put-downs or backhanded compliments to undermine your confidence.
  • Possessiveness: They discourage you from spending time with other friends or family members. They make you feel guilty for prioritizing other relationships.
  • Controlling behavior: They try to dictate how you spend your time, who you talk to, or how you express yourself.
  • Emotional volatility: They have unpredictable mood swings and become angry or emotionally intense without clear triggers, making you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them.
  • Negativity: They often complain, gossip, are critical of others, or engage in drama.
  • Lack of reciprocity: The effort to connect, communicate or plan things is one-sided. You put in significantly more effort and emotional investment than the other.
  • How you feel: You feel drained, anxious, or worse about yourself around this person.

Decide whether to continue or end the relationship

“Relationships are like plants. You have to water them, nurture them, and prune the dead branches to keep them healthy and thriving.” ―Unknown

It’s important to note that any relationship can go through a rough patch, especially when one person is going through a difficult time in their life. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to end the relationship.

It’s important to look at the balance of the relationship overall throughout the years. Has there been genuine care and support and reciprocity, or has the relationship always been one-sided and unhealthy?

If you feel the relationship is salvageable, just not working well at present, it’s time to communicate your concerns and have an open conversation about what’s not working for you and what you’d like to see change. Explain how you feel, listen to their concerns, and see if you can negotiate new terms for your relationship.

If the person is unwilling to change or even have a discussion, be firm in setting boundaries about how much time you will devote to the relationship, or end the relationship altogether.

If you’re unsure what to do, you may want to talk to a coach or therapist, or trusted (and discreet) friends or family members about your concerns. They may be able to help you evaluate the relationship dynamics and provide an objective assessment.

Ending a relationship ― even a toxic one ― will bring feelings of grief and sadness, so be patient and compassionate with yourself. Practice self-care and focus on activities and people who energize and support you. Invest in your own well-being as you distance yourself from relationships that drain you.

And if there’s a shortage of supportive people in your life, learn how to make new friends and consciously choose people who are a better fit for the criteria you identified.

With patience and honest communication, many friendships can overcome rough patches. But if toxic patterns persist, it may be best to walk away and focus on creating new healthier relationships.

Remember: You deserve to be treated with love, respect and kindness! Settle for nothing less.

xo Karen

Resources

For more on this topic, see:

• When love isn’t healthy
• What to do (and not do) when a relationship ends
• Making new friends as an adult

And here are some free trainings you may find helpful in your healing journey:

• Lemons to Lemonade: Turn your pain into power!
• Empaths & Narcissists: Why loving women attract toxic partners
• Loving without Losing: How to attract the love of your life without losing yourself again

Share your ideas

What is most important to you in your relationships? Please share…