“Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation.” —Osho
In my 20s, I noticed that most of the love songs I listened to were sad and full of longing. “Alone” by Heart, “Waiting for You” by Richard Marx. Songs about waiting and yearning for something that had yet to arrive. Songs that kept me stuck in an endless loop.
And it occurred to me that maybe I was listening to the wrong songs…tuning into the wrong frequency or “love station.”
Love is a complex emotion that transcends simple definitions. Poets, musicians and artists have tried for centuries to define it. And while some have done a pretty good job of expressing through their art what love is, many have left us with definitions that are questionable at best.
Much of what our popular culture references when it comes to love is fundamentally unhealthy…and I would suggest, isn’t really love at all.
I’m a big believer that what we focus on expands, so it’s worth paying attention to what frequency our love dial is tuned into. After all, how can you listen to classical love songs if you’re tuned into the rap station?
So let’s take a closer look at what love is…and isn’t.
What love isn’t
Since so many people seem confused about love, I’d like to begin with what love isn’t…
Possession / self-sacrifice
“Every Breath You Take” by The Police may seem like an endearing love song, but if you really listen to the lyrics, it sounds like a stalker song. (“Oh can’t you see? You belong to me…Every breath you take, every move you make…I’ll be watching you.”)
Love is not about ownership. We must each have agency over our own lives and decisions. While compromise is necessary in relationships, love should not require sacrificing your own happiness or wellbeing for the other person. It’s important to allow each person the freedom to be independent, pursue individual interests, and take care of their own wellbeing.
Codependence
People often use the expression “two become one” to describe a marriage or a union between two people, but that is an outdated and unhealthy concept that effectively describes codependence. In “How Do I Live” by LeAnn Rimes, she writes: “How do I breathe without you if you ever go? How do I ever, ever survive?” (Hint: If you can’t survive on your own, you’re likely in a codependent relationship, not a healthy one.)
Healthy relationships do not require two people to become one (which results in a collapse of personal identity and implies neither person can ever stand on their own again). Instead, love is about creating a third entity – the relationship – that both independent partners work together to build.
Jealousy
It may seem romantic if your partner is jealous when another person pays attention to you, but it’s a form of manipulation and control. As Elvis said in the song “Suspicious Minds,” “We cannot build our dreams on suspicious minds.”
True love does not involve coercion or emotional manipulation. Love requires trust and for each person to be secure within themselves, not constantly fearing the other will leave.
Lying and cheating
As much as jealousy is toxic, so is lying and cheating. Shaggy’s song “It Wasn’t Me” is a good example of someone cheating and then trying to cover it up with lies, instead of caring about the other’s feelings, taking responsibility and repairing the damage done.
Healthy relationships are built on honesty and loyalty. Trust is a very hard thing to rebuild once it is broken. A loving relationship should feel secure and safe…not like you have to keep looking over your shoulder.
Abuse
It has made my heart ache over the years hearing countless stories from women being horribly abused – in every way – by the partners who are supposed to love them. Sometimes that abuse ends in the most horrible of tragedies, as it recently did for Ugandan Olympian marathon runner Rebecca Cheptegei, who was doused in petrol and set on fire by her boyfriend, leading to her death at 33.
“Love the Way you Lie” by Eminem and Rihanna paints the picture of a truly toxic and abusive relationship, where the woman stays despite abusive treatment (and the man claims he loves her).
No abuse can ever be justified in the name of “love.” Love doesn’t hurt others, with words or actions. Love also does not mean tolerating unhealthy behavior. It’s essential to recognize when a relationship is damaging and to prioritize your wellbeing by getting out.
What love is
Now let’s look at what love really means…
Mutual respect
At its core, love involves a deep respect for each other. It’s about valuing your partner as an equal, and appreciating their individuality and what they bring to your life.
“You Are the Best Thing” by Ray LaMontagne is a great example of this sentiment: “Our hearts are strong and our hearts are kind…You are the best thing that ever happened to me!”
Emotional support
Love means being there for each other through thick and thin. It’s about providing comfort, encouragement, and understanding in challenging times.
In “Count on Me” by Bruno Mars, he writes: “If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can’t see, I’ll be the light to guide you.” Be the light, like Bruno. 😊
Trust, commitment and honesty
A loving relationship thrives on trust and commitment to the other’s wellbeing. Being open and honest fosters a safe space where both partners can express their feelings without fear of judgment. Being loyal and reliable allows your partner to relax into you, knowing you have their back.
In “Love on Top” by Beyoncé, she professes her love and commitment for her partner: “Baby, it’s you…You’re the one I love…You’re the one I need…You’re the only one I see.”
Joy and laughter
Healthy love brings happiness and joy. It’s about creating cherished memories, sharing laughter, and enjoying each other’s company. It’s not about requiring the other to make you happy; rather it’s about being happy and sharing your happiness together!
Jack Johnson expresses this well in “Better Together:” “It’s not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving…I’ll tell you one thing, it’s always better when we’re together.”
Growth and change
Love encourages personal growth. It involves supporting each other’s dreams and aspirations, allowing both partners to evolve into their best selves together.
“I Believe in You” by Michael Bublé captures this well: “You’re the light that lifts me higher, so high up in the sky, I think we’re gonna fly!”
Higher love
Understanding the nuances of love can empower you to create relationships that are fulfilling and healthy. By recognizing what love truly is—and what it isn’t—you can intentionally cultivate connections that enrich your life and promote mutual happiness.
To help with this, I’ve created a playlist of inspiring love songs called Higher Love – feel free to check it out if you have Spotify! 😊
I am also creating a brand new free training called: “Empowered Love: Creating healthy, happy relationships” – the link to this new event will be posted soon!
Wishing you a love that uplifts, supports, and inspires you to be your best self!
xo Karen
Resources
You may also be interested in these articles:
And these free trainings:
- Empaths & Narcissists: Why loving women attract toxic partners
- Loving without Losing: How to attract the love of your life without losing yourself again
- Empowered Love: Creating healthy, happy relationships
Share your ideas
How would you define love? Please share…
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