“Healing from trauma is about teaching your nervous system that the present is safe, so the past doesn’t control your life.” — Deb Dana, LCSW
If you grew up in a chaotic home or have been through difficult relationships, you may notice that your body rarely feels relaxed.
Maybe you’re always “on,” scanning for danger. Or maybe your chest feels tight, your mind won’t stop racing, or you go numb when things get overwhelming.
This anxiety isn’t weakness—it’s your nervous system doing its best to protect you.
Unfortunately, that stress response if not de-activated can make it hard to enjoy the present moment, and can also cause a number of physical and mental illnesses.
The good news is, you can retrain your nervous system to feel safe and at peace. Understanding how your nervous system works is the first step to feeling grounded, secure and relaxed again.
The four survival responses
“Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.” — Gabor Maté, M.D.
When we experience threat, our sympathetic nervous system activates a survival response. These are automatic, built-in patterns designed to help us survive danger.
Most people think there are two, but there are actually four survival responses:
1. Fight
You feel anger, irritation, or the urge to lash out. This response is about regaining control through confrontation.
2. Flight
You feel restless, anxious, or compelled to keep moving, working, or escaping. It’s the impulse to outrun the danger.
3. Freeze
You feel paralyzed, numb, disconnected, or unable to act. This is your body’s way of “playing dead” to survive.
4. Fawn
You feel an overwhelming need to please others, avoid conflict, and keep the peace at any cost—even at the expense of your own needs.
For women who’ve carried the weight of doing everything alone, these patterns can become ingrained, so that the body never gets a chance to truly rest and relax. You may find yourself stuck in hypervigilance—constantly scanning your environment for danger, braced for the next crisis.
Shifting into safety: The parasympathetic nervous system
“Self-regulation is the foundation of all healing. If we can calm our nervous system, we can begin to reclaim our life.” — Pat Ogden, Ph.D., Sensorimotor Psychotherapy
The opposite of fight-or-flight is the parasympathetic nervous system—often called the “rest-and-digest” state. When this part of your nervous system is active, your body slows down, digestion works properly, your heart rate steadies, and you feel calm and present.
Another key player in the relaxation response is the vagus nerve, a long nerve that runs from your brainstem through your heart, lungs, and gut. Stimulating the vagus nerve helps activate parasympathetic calm.
Practical ways to regulate your nervous system
“Anxiety isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s your body whispering: ‘I don’t feel safe yet.’ And safety can be created.” – Karen Strang Allen
Here are gentle tools you can use to guide your body out of survival mode and into safety:
Movement
Shake out your arms, dance, exercise, go for a walk, or do yoga. Movement helps your body discharge survival energy and fight-or-flight hormones like adrenaline and cortisol.
Breathing
Try “box breathing”: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4.
Or use “long exhales”: Breathe in for 4, exhale for 8. Longer exhales signal your vagus nerve to relax. (This one’s my personal favourite!)
Grounding
Place your bare feet on the earth, feeling the stability and cooling effect of the ground beneath you. You may also want to visualize roots growing out of your feet, down into the earth, stabilizing you.
Mindfulness
Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste. This anchors you in the present moment (anxiety is almost always based in the future).
Touch
Soothing touch releases oxytocin, a calming hormone. Place your hand over your heart, moving your hand in a circular motion. Or wrap your arms around yourself, rocking back & forth. You can also pet your dog or cat, or use a weighted blanket.
Humming
Your vagus nerve connects to your vocal cords—so using your voice to hum, chant or sing helps you regulate.
Connection
Anxiety often makes us isolate. Talking with a trusted friend, getting a hug, or even imagining someone supportive can help your body feel safe again.
A loving reminder
“Every breath, every gentle practice, is a love letter to your nervous system.” – Karen Strang Allen
If you’ve been living in survival mode for years, regulating your nervous system may feel foreign at first. Be patient with your body. This is about building safety slowly, one practice at a time.
You are not broken. Your body has been protecting you the only way it knew how. And now, step by step, you can teach it what peace feels like.
You deserve a life where calm is your baseline—not chaos.
xo Karen
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