“The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every relationship you have.” — Robert Holden
I remember sitting across from a friend at brunch as she wiped away tears. “I just don’t get it,” she said. “Why does it feel like everyone else has found their person except me?” Her words hung in the air, heavy with vulnerability.
I knew exactly how she felt because I’d been there too—wondering why love seemed so easy for others and so complicated for me.
We all want to be loved, nurtured, cared for, cherished. We want to be heard, understood, and treated well. We yearn to find that special someone to share life’s adventures with.
These are natural desires. Human beings are wired for connection. Our survival instinct is to belong. Our reproductive instinct is to find someone to mate with. And our spiritual instinct is to join in harmony with others.
But if love is such a universal need, why does it sometimes feel so elusive?
Here’s the thing: Finding the love you want isn’t about luck or timing. It’s about how we approach love—how we care for ourselves, who we choose, and the skills we bring into our relationships.
Let’s explore three common challenges that can get in the way of finding the love we want—and how to overcome them.
1. Looking for love in all the wrong places
“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.” — Rupi Kaur
How often do we look in the mirror and say, “I’ll be lovable when…?” When I lose the weight. When I get the promotion. When I finally get my house organized.
We’re so quick to offer love to others, but so stingy with it when it comes to ourselves. And then we wonder why we’re searching for someone else to fill that void.
Part of the challenge is that we’re looking for love outside of ourselves instead of inside. We’re insisting that others give us what we won’t give to ourselves.
For example:
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- We want someone to listen to us, but we rarely listen to our own body’s messages (that it’s tired, needs rest, needs exercise, or healthy food).
- We want someone to validate us, but we ignore and fail to validate our own feelings (e.g. we overlook those “red flags” we felt when we first met someone).
- We wish our partner would say nice things to us, but inside our head we criticize ourselves relentlessly.
This isn’t about blaming ourselves—it’s about recognizing that the way we treat ourselves sets the tone for how others treat us.
We often look to our partners to meet the needs that went unmet in childhood. But true love starts when we learn to meet those needs ourselves and build a life we truly love.
When you really, truly love who you are and the life you’re living, you’ll attract better relationships. You’ll approach love from a place of overflow, not lack. And the neat thing is, once you change how you feel on the inside, the outside world reflects that back to you.
2. Choosing the wrong person
We’ve all been there—you meet someone, and something feels a little off. Maybe they don’t share your values, or maybe they treat you in ways that don’t feel good. But instead of trusting that feeling, you think, “But they have so much potential! If I just love them enough, they’ll change.”
Spoiler alert: They rarely do.
One of the biggest mistakes I see is choosing the wrong person and then trying to make them into who we want them to be. It’s so common to pick a “fixer-upper” with major issues and think that, with our love, they’ll improve. But without their willingness to change—and often, without therapy—that rarely works.
Instead, it’s best to get clear about what you want in a partner and a relationship. What are your non-negotiables? What values matter most to you? What kind of partner do you need to feel supported, safe, and loved?
When you choose someone who already aligns with your values and has a similar vision for life, love stops feeling like a battle and starts feeling like a partnership.
3. Not having the right skills
“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” — Thích Nhất Hạnh
Let’s be honest: Few of us were taught how to have a healthy, happy relationship.
Most of us didn’t learn these skills from our parents, and they certainly weren’t part of the school curriculum. As a result, we’ve had to learn through trial—and more than a few errors.
But the good news? These skills aren’t some secret only a few lucky people are born with. They’re teachable, learnable, and improvable.
For a relationship to thrive, there are critical skills we must develop, such as:
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- How to communicate our feelings, thoughts, and desires openly.
- How to say things in a way that won’t elicit a defensive or negative response.
- How to listen deeply to our partner.
- How to navigate differences without resentment.
- How to resolve conflicts in a way that strengthens the relationship.
It’s not about being perfect…it’s about being intentional. The more you practice, the more these skills become second nature—and the stronger your relationships will become.
The 3 keys to finding (and keeping) love
“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.” — Steve Maraboli
So, if what you’re wanting is to find lasting love, the three keys are:
1. Love yourself and create a life you love.
When you treat yourself with kindness, respect and care, you set the foundation for others to do the same.
2. Choose the right partner for you.
Look for someone who aligns with your values and can meet you where you are.
3. Master the skills required to have a healthy, happy relationship.
Relationships aren’t built on luck—they’re built on effort, intention and a willingness to grow.
When you love yourself fully, choose someone who truly aligns with your values, and lean into the skills that build lasting connection, something magical happens. Love stops feeling like a struggle and starts feeling like a gift—a partnership rooted in trust, respect, and joy.
Remember: You are worthy of love, just as you are. 💛
xo Karen
Share your thoughts
I’d love to hear from you—what’s been your biggest challenge or breakthrough when it comes to love? Let’s start a conversation in the comments.
Resources
If you’re ready to take the next step, I invite you to join me for Loving without Losing: How to end the cycle of heartbreak and finally get the love you deserve!
Together, we’ll dive deeper into how to create the love you’ve always dreamed of (without the heartbreak part).
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