“It’s not about who you’ve known the longest; it’s about who walked into your life and said, ‘I’m here for you’ and proved it.” —Anonymous
Trust is the foundation of any meaningful relationship. It’s what allows us to be vulnerable, to show our true selves, and to connect deeply with others. But how do we decide who deserves our trust?
If you’ve ever had someone betray your trust before, you may find it hard to know who (and how) to trust again.
And if you experienced childhood caregivers who let you down, that task seems even harder. If the very people who were supposed to love you most let you down, how can you trust anyone else to be there for you?
Some people simply put up a wall and trust no one. But without trust we cannot experience intimacy and connection. We can’t have healthy relationships if we can’t trust anyone not to hurt us.
So how do we deal with this paradox…of wanting to protect ourselves but also wanting to experience love and connection with others?
The answer lies in learning to recalibrate your people picker…to get better at choosing who deserves your heart, and who doesn’t.
Note: This is part of a 3-part series on trust. In previous weeks, we talked about and trusting yourself to choose wisely and creating trust & safety in a relationship.
10 tips for deciding who to trust
“Trust is built with consistency.” —Lincoln Chafee
In a swipe-left culture where authenticity can sometimes feel elusive (is their profile even real?!), it’s important to cultivate a discerning heart. Here are some insights on how to navigate the murky waters of trust in relationships, especially in the beginning when you don’t know someone well.
(Note: This applies to any type of relationship, not just romantic ones.)
- Look for consistency
Trust is built over time through consistent actions. Pay attention to how someone behaves in different situations. Do their words align with their actions? When someone consistently shows up as their true self (both in public and in private), it builds a foundation for trust. Remember, it’s not about perfection, but about integrity, consistency and reliability.
- Observe how they treat others
How someone treats others—especially those they have no need to impress—can reveal a lot about their true character. Watch how they interact with waiters/waitresses, janitors, kids, friends, and strangers. Do they speak with respect or act demanding and entitled? Do they pick up garbage and hold open doors? How they treat others will typically translate into how they will treat you.
- Set boundaries and see how they respond
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect for boundaries. Communicate your needs and limits clearly and see how the other person responds. A trustworthy individual will honour your boundaries and engage in healthy dialogue about them. If they push your limits or dismiss your needs, it’s a sign to reconsider.
- Communicate openly
Clear and honest communication is vital for trust. Share your thoughts and feelings openly, and encourage the other person to do the same. Ask questions and engage in meaningful conversations about who you both are and what you both want. The more you communicate, the clearer your understanding of each other’s values and expectations will become, and the easier it will be to determine if you’re a good fit.
- Notice how they handle vulnerability
Vulnerability is a two-way street. Those who are trustworthy will not only be open about their own struggles but will also create a safe space for you to share yours. If someone responds to your vulnerability with judgment or dismissal, or weaponizes what you shared with them, it’s a red flag. True trust is nurtured in environments where both parties feel seen, valued and safe.
- Assess their empathy
Empathy is a crucial component of trust. Observe how they respond to the feelings of others. Are they able to listen and engage with compassion? A person who demonstrates empathy will be more likely to respect your feelings and boundaries, helping to foster a trusting relationship.
- Observe how they communicate during conflicts
Take note of how they communicate, especially during conflicts. Are they open to discussing difficult topics calmly and rationally? Do they remain emotionally regulated? Do they listen as much as they speak? Healthy relationships thrive on open dialogue, where both parties feel heard and understood without judgment, attack, or unfair fighting tactics.
- Be patient and give it time
Trust isn’t built overnight. It’s a gradual process that requires patience. Allow the relationship to unfold naturally, observing how trust develops over time. Rushing into trust (by oversharing and being too vulnerable too soon) can lead to disappointment and heartache. Instead, let trust grow organically.
- Trust your gut
Intuition can be a powerful guide. If something feels off, take a moment to pause and reflect. Our instincts often pick up on subtle cues that our conscious mind might overlook. Don’t dismiss your feelings…allow them to guide you to look deeper.
- Work with a professional
If knowing who to trust is a tricky area for you, you may need to work with a professional relationship coach or therapist to learn how to trust your own instincts and make better decisions for yourself when establishing relationships. Feel free to check out my free training Loving without losing: How to attract the love of your life without losing yourself again, and book a call if you’re needing support!
Practicing patience
“Trust is built in small moments.” —Brené Brown
Trust is not a gift we should give without discernment. It’s a choice we make based on careful observation and reflection, which takes time. By looking for consistency, empathy, and open communication, we can better discern who is worthy of our trust.
Remember, it’s okay to take your time getting to know someone. Building authentic and safe connections takes patience, vulnerability and courage. Trust that there are good people out there, remove yourself from people who aren’t trustworthy, and most importantly, trust yourself!
In the end, the relationships that respect your boundaries, appreciate your vulnerability, and value your true authentic self are the ones worth keeping.
xo Karen
Resources
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How do you decide who to trust? Please share…
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