“The right person will bring out the best in you, not the stress in you.” — Unknown
So, you’ve met someone. He’s kind, funny, has a smile that makes your heart skip a beat, and maybe even remembers your coffee order. But as much as you like him, you’re wondering: Is he the one?
It’s the question every woman asks herself when the stakes feel high, and the emotions start to get real.
But here’s the truth: knowing if they’re the one takes time. And it isn’t about looking for perfection or ticking off every box on a list. It’s about understanding what truly matters to you—what’s a preference, what’s a deal-breaker, and what’s worth growing through together.
The fantasy of “the one”
“Love is not about finding the perfect person but about seeing an imperfect person perfectly.” — Sam Keen
Before we dive into preferences and deal-breakers, let’s talk about the idea of the one.
We’ve been sold a story about love. From fairy tales to rom-coms, we’re told there’s one perfect person out there waiting to sweep us off our feet, meet all our needs, and make our lives magical. But real love? It’s not about a perfect fantasy. It’s about real, authentic partnership.
The right person for you isn’t someone who magically eliminates all your struggles or completes you like a missing puzzle piece. It’s someone who stands beside you, as two whole (but imperfect) people, and helps you build a life you both love.
There are many potential partners out there who could be a good match for you, not just one. Knowing this allows you to not stay stuck in a bad relationship, fearing there are no other options. There are.
And that’s where the conversation about preferences and deal-breakers begins—because knowing if he’s the one starts with clarity about what truly matters to you in a partnership.
Preferences vs. deal-breakers: what’s the difference?
Let’s be honest: we all have preferences when it comes to love. Maybe you’re drawn to someone who’s tall, or who loves books as much as you do, or who shares your love of hiking. Preferences can be fun—they’re the little details that make us feel giddy and excited.
But preferences are just that: preferences. They’re nice to have, but they’re not the foundation of a lasting relationship.
Deal-breakers, on the other hand, are non-negotiables. These are the must-have values, behaviours, and qualities that make or break a relationship for you. They’re rooted in who you are and what you need to feel safe, happy and loved.
Here are a few examples:
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- Preference: You’d love someone who shares your spirituality (e.g. you’re both Christian).
- Deal-Breaker: You need someone who is kind and open-minded.
- Preference: You’d love someone who is handy and can fix things.
- Deal-Breaker: You need someone who communicates calmly and can resolve conflict.
See the difference? Preferences are about surface-level compatibility. Deal-breakers are about deeper alignment at the level of your core values and needs.
How to identify your deal-breakers
“You deserve a relationship that feels like a safe place, not a battlefield.” — Unknown
If you’ve ever stayed in a bad relationship too long, hoping someone would change, you know how painful it can be to ignore your deal-breakers. That’s why it’s so important to get clear on them before you commit to someone.
Here are a few steps to help you identify your deal-breakers:
1. Reflect on your values
What matters most to you? Honesty? Kindness? Family? Adventure? Your values are the foundation of a healthy relationship. If someone doesn’t share or respect your core values, it’s a deal-breaker.
2. Consider your emotional needs
What do you need to feel safe and loved? Maybe you need someone who communicates openly, is affirming, or supports your independence. These aren’t “extras”—they’re essential.
3. Look at past relationships
Think about what worked and what didn’t. Were there patterns in your past relationships where you ignored red flags or compromised too much? Those patterns can reveal your deal-breakers.
4. Trust your intuition
Your gut often knows the truth before your mind does. If something feels off, pay attention. Don’t rationalize or dismiss your feelings—they’re there to guide you.
When preferences become a problem
Here’s the tricky part: sometimes, we confuse preferences with deal-breakers.
For example, maybe he’s not as refined as you’d like, or he doesn’t know the difference between a chakra and an aura. Those are preferences—not deal-breakers.
But what if he’s dismissive of your feelings? Or he avoids difficult conversations? Or he’s unkind when angry? These are deeper issues that can erode trust and connection over time.
The key is to ask yourself: Does this preference impact our ability to build a healthy, loving partnership? If the answer is no, it’s likely just a preference.
Red flags vs. growth opportunities
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” — Maya Angelou
It’s also important to distinguish between red flags and growth opportunities.
A red flag is a warning sign that something isn’t right. Examples include:
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- A lack of respect for your boundaries
- Dishonesty or manipulation
- Consistent emotional unavailability
Red flags are non-negotiable—they’re deal-breakers because they signal deeper issues that can’t be ignored (and are unlikely to change).
A growth opportunity, on the other hand, is something that can be worked through with communication and teamwork. For example:
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- He’s never been in a parent, but he’s open to loving your kids.
- He struggles with romantic gestures, but is willing to work on it.
- He’s a bit messy, but will tidy up with you.
The question to ask yourself is: Is this something we can grow through together, or is it a fundamental mismatch?
How to know if he’s the one
“The greatest relationships are built on respect, trust, and a shared vision for the future.” — Unknown
Here’s the truth: knowing if he’s the one isn’t about checking every box on your list. It’s about how you feel in the relationship.
Ask yourself:
Do I feel safe, respected, and valued?
A good partner makes you feel emotionally and physically safe, and they respect your boundaries and needs.
Do we share core values and a similar vision for the future?
Love is about more than chemistry—it’s about alignment. Do you want the same kind of life?
Am I able to be my authentic self with him?
The right person will love and accept you for who you are, not who they want you to be.
Do we handle conflict in a healthy way?
It’s not about never fighting—it’s about how you fight. Can you resolve disagreements with kindness and mutual respect?
Does he show up consistently?
Words are nice, but actions matter more. Does he follow through? Does he put in effort to demonstrate love and build your relationship?
If the answers to these questions are yes, you may be onto something special!
Give yourself time
At the end of the day, love isn’t about perfection and fireworks—it’s about connection and alignment. It’s about finding someone who meets you where you are and wants to grow alongside you.
If you’re still unsure, give yourself time to decide what’s right for you. Finding “the one” isn’t a race—it’s a journey of self-discovery, trust and honesty.
Remember: the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself. When you honour your needs, trust your intuition, and stand firm in your values, you’ll know whether someone is the right partner for you.
And when you find that person? It won’t feel like magic—it’ll feel like home.
You’ve got this. 💛
xo Karen
Share your thoughts
I’d love to hear from you—what’s been your biggest insight or challenge in deciding if someone was “the one?” Let’s start a conversation in the comments.
Resources
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