Have you ever watched a deer trapped in an enclosure? It runs frantically around, jumping at different ends of the fence, injuring itself in the process, desperate to escape. Eventually, after a long time, the deer runs out of energy and lies down exhausted, accepting that it is trapped.

When I watch women dating, I often see a similar scene playing out.

They put up an online profile. They message and flirt with a few guys. They go on a few dates. Then they get discouraged by inappropriate messages and failed attempts at love. So they complain to their girlfriends, reinforcing their limiting beliefs that there are “no good ones out there.” And then they start the process all over again. And again. And again.

Until eventually, they give up, deciding that they are “unlucky in love” and that their fate is to be single for the rest of their life.

The wrong way to date

Unfortunately, this is an all-too-common scenario in the dating world because most people go about dating the wrong way and for the wrong reasons.

Most people date because they feel lonely (or are afraid of being alone). Or because they feel sad and unhappy. In either case, they think finding someone will make them feel better. Only this is putting the cart before the horse. Lonely, unhappy people find lonely, unhappy people. This is not the basis for a healthy, happy relationship!

And most people date with a lack of clarity and skill (and many limiting beliefs in their way). They aren’t clear on what they want. They are lacking in self-esteem and a true sense of their own value. They hope to find someone good, while secretly doubting they will. They rush the dating process because they hate it, and hop into bed too soon, and settle for someone who seems “nice enough.”

When the relationship doesn’t work out, they blame the other person. Then they go out looking for someone better, only to repeat the heartache again and again. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. It’s time to stop the madness!

A better way to find love

As a love coach for single women, it may seem counter-intuitive that I often tell my clients to stop dating for a while…to go on a dating diet.

Why? Because most people need time to heal, recalibrate and realign their energy so they get better results.

Healing involves spending some time processing and releasing the negative emotions that come with a failed relationship and break-up. Stuffing these down or avoiding them simply does not work. It only causes your emotional baggage to get heavier and heavier from one relationship to the next, making it harder and harder to have a healthy relationship. If you don’t resolve your pain and anger, all you will do is attract someone with a similar level of wounding.

Recalibrating means re-centering your life around you, not another person. This includes figuring out who you are (what you love about yourself and what your true value is) and rediscovering what activities you love and enjoy. Then you need to create a life that revolves around what makes YOU happy, so that when you go back out dating, you’re already happy, and simply looking for another happy person (not someone to extract happiness from).

Realigning means getting clear about what you want in a partner and relationship, shifting your beliefs so that you know without a doubt that you deserve that and can find it, and focusing only on what you want (not on what you don’t want).

We don’t get what we want in life, we get what we believe. If you don’t shift your beliefs, your results will be a self-fulfilling prophecy…not because that’s all that’s out there, but because it’s what you’re currently energetically aligned with. The more you continue dating the wrong people and complaining about that to your friends, the more you keep yourself stuck replaying the same reality over and over again, like in Groundhog Day.

So, I highly recommend that if you’ve been struggling in love and attracting the wrong types of people, that you stop dating for a while, heal your past love wounds, recalibrate and realign your energy before heading out there again.

Believe me, it will be much easier and faster in the long run.

To your success!

Karen

Resources

For more about the benefits of taking time to heal before dating again, I highly recommend watching my free training: Loving without Losing: How to attract the love of your life without losing yourself again

And if you’d like to take a deeper look at what might be preventing you from finding a great partner, take my free quiz: Cracking the Code to Lasting Love

Share your ideas

What helped you heal after your break-up? Please share