“A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your friends, your dreams, or your dignity.” — Daisaku Ikeda

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “Why do I keep picking the wrong partners?” you are not alone.

Maybe you were in an abusive relationship. Or you dated a narcissist. Or your partner cheated on you. Or your partner wouldn’t commit. Or you attracted people with addiction issues. Maybe you even repeated this pattern of choosing unhealthy partners several times in a row. (I know I did.)

And while you know you didn’t deserve to be mistreated, you may have noticed that you’re the common denominator in these choices, and you’re probably wondering why your people picker seems to be so broken. (Hint: Your people picker isn’t broken; it’s just calibrated to toxic love.)

Relationships are messy, vulnerable, and complicated—because we are all imperfect human beings with emotional baggage. And when our relationships don’t work out, it’s easy to spiral into self-doubt, shame and even blame.

But here’s the truth: picking the “wrong” partner isn’t a reflection of your worth or of what you deserve. It’s an invitation to grow, to heal and to understand yourself better.

So let’s dig into what’s going wrong together, with compassion and curiosity…

The patterns beneath our choices

“To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship.” — Domenico Cieri Estrada

We are hardwired for connection. Every single one of us craves love, belonging, and intimacy. But sometimes, the choices we make in partners reflect patterns we’ve picked up from childhood—subconscious patterns rooted in our early experiences, fears and unmet needs.

1. 1. Looking for familiarity Often, we gravitate toward what feels familiar, even when it doesn’t serve us. If your childhood relationships with caregivers involved inconsistency, neglect or abuse, you might find yourself drawn to partners who replicate those dynamics. Not because you want the pain, but because it feels like home.

The work here is to recognize this pattern and ask: “What does a healthy, safe relationship look like for me?”

1. 2. The fear of being aloneLet’s be real: the thought of being alone can be terrifying. We are hardwired for connection, and experience “primal panic” when we feel we have no one to count on. Meanwhile, society conditions us to believe that our value as women is tied to finding someone—anyone—who chooses us.

And so, we settle. We ignore red flags. We convince ourselves that this is as good as it gets.

But here’s the thing: being alone isn’t the worst-case scenario. Losing yourself in the wrong relationship is.

1. 3. The myth of “fixing” someoneHow many of us have chosen partners because we see their “potential?” We believe that if we just love them enough, they’ll change. But love is not about fixing someone. It’s about choosing someone who is emotionally mature and capable of a healthy relationship—right now.

If you find yourself in this pattern, ask: “Am I pouring all my energy into fixing them because I’m avoiding fixing something in myself?”

The role of vulnerability

Here’s the heart of it: choosing the wrong partners isn’t a failure, or evidence that you don’t deserve love. It’s a sign that you’re human.

And…it’s also an opportunity to lean into vulnerability and ask yourself some hard questions:

• • Am I settling for less than I deserve because I’m afraid to get what I deserve? (i.e. Would being with a high-quality partner make me feel insecure?)
  • Do I know what I need in a relationship, or am I just winging it, using trial and error?
  • Am I prioritizing my own self-worth, or am I looking for someone else to validate it?

These questions aren’t meant to shame you. They’re meant to empower you. Because when we get curious about our patterns, we take the first step toward changing them.

Remember, as Brené Brown says: “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.” Your story isn’t over yet, and the best chapters are still ahead!

Making better choices

“Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust, respect, and a shared commitment to one another’s growth.”  — Unknown

The path to choosing better partners starts with you. Here’s how you can begin:

1. Strengthen your relationship with yourself
You don’t need a partner to make you feel whole—you already are. Spend time exploring who you are, what you love, and what lights you up. (This is a big part of what we do in my Transform Your Life program.)

2. Define your non-negotiables
What are the values, behaviours and character traits you absolutely need in a partner? Write them down. These are your guideposts when choosing a partner.

3. Set boundaries like a boss
Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re doors that protect your emotional well-being. Learn to say no to relationships that drain you, disrespect you, or make you feel small.

4. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable
Growth happens outside your comfort zone. Choosing partners who are good for you might feel unfamiliar at first if it’s not what you’re used to. That’s okay. Lean into the discomfort and trust the process.

You are worthy of love that is kind, respectful, and empowering. If you’ve been picking the “wrong” partners, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, get curious about the patterns and beliefs that have guided your choices.

The journey to love starts with you—loving yourself enough to demand better, to expect better, and to wait for better. And when you do, the right partner won’t feel like a fix. They’ll feel like a teammate, a cheerleader, and a safe place to land.

Because that’s the love you deserve.

xo Karen

Resources

If you have a pattern of attracting the wrong partners and want to know how to change your dating experience and find real love, I invite you to join me for Finding Love in the Modern Age.

During this free 1-hour online masterclass, you will discover:

• • How modern dating has changed since your 20s
  • The 5 biggest mistakes women make when looking for love
  • The surprising reasons why women settle
  • How to stay safe online and avoid the scammers
  • What you need to succeed in love!

Learn more and register for instant access here

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• Why great people end up in bad relationships
• Why is dating so hard?

Share your ideas

Have you picked the wrong partner(s) before? What have you learned about your choices? Please share…