Finding your soulmate

The difference between chasing and initiating

April 4, 2022
Posted by Karen Strang Allen

Here is a common dating scenario…you go on a date with someone you really like and have a great time. You’re excited to see them again, and eagerly wait for them to message you after the date…only hours go by, even days, and…radio silence. What should you do?!

As a coach who works with single women, I often see women go into “hot pursuit” mode at this point, which tends to scare men away.

This doesn’t mean a woman can’t initiate contact…it simply means she shouldn’t be chasing him like a wild animal after prey lol.

In my early dating years, I made this mistake too. I would get so excited about someone I had just met that I’d communicate a little too often and too eagerly, and then “poof,” the guy was gone.

There is a good reason this is happening…and it’s not because all men are commitment-phobes.

So, let me illustrate the difference between chasing and initiating, so that you have a better understanding of what works and what doesn’t.

Chasing: Being overly invested too soon

Chasing (especially in the early stages of dating) is a symptom of being overly invested in someone too soon, before you really know much about them. It has an energy of anxiety and communicates insecurity to the person you’re pursuing.

Signs you are chasing:

    • You are texting/messaging more than he is.
    • You are calling or asking for dates more often than he is.
    • You are not giving him enough time and space to show interest.
    • You are over-sharing about deeply personal things in the first few dates.
    • You are pushing to move things forward when he’s showing he’s not ready.
    • You feel anxious that you’re not hearing back from him.
    • You are cancelling / not making plans with others while you wait on him.
    • You can’t seem to focus on anything or anyone else.

Why this is bad:

    • You are rushing the process of getting to know someone.
    • You are choosing prematurely someone you know little about.
    • You are not being patient and letting yourself enjoy the process.
    • You are investing more time and energy than you’re getting back.
    • You’ll eventually feel resentful and communicate frustration to him.
    • He’ll feel pressure to decide “you’re the one” when he doesn’t know yet.
    • He’ll likely feel you’re too “needy” and pull back and/or ghost you.
    • You are not standing in your value…you should thoroughly vet someone before giving your heart and body to them.

The result of chasing? You will think he’s a jerk when he ditches you…when really, he could feel your anxiety and it wasn’t appealing to him.

The truth is, chasing comes from place of insecurity―of fearing that you’ll be abandoned/rejected―not from a place of faith and confidence in your worth.

This fear and insecurity come from wounding from your childhood and past relationships that you have yet to fully heal. It causes you to show up in your romantic relationships like a little girl, not like a strong, empowered adult woman…which feels unappealing to conscious men who are standing in their power.

(This is equally true when men do this to women…they come across as little boys, not adult men.)

Initiating: Giving them space to move closer

Can a woman initiate contact with a man, and even ask him out?

Sure! But after she’s done that, she needs to lean back and give him the space to move towards her…before reaching out again!

Think of it like a tennis match…once you’ve hit the ball and it goes over the net…the ball is in their court! It’s their turn to make a move. Think of how strange it would be if you kept hitting more balls over the net without waiting for the other to return your serve. They would undoubtedly get overwhelmed, and it doesn’t make for a very fun game for you.

So if you want to send a text or suggest a date or pick up the phone, then do. Once. But then the ball is in his court, and you need to let him make the next move.

What it looks and feels like to initiate (without chasing):

    • You are calm and relaxed.
    • You feel confident in your worth.
    • You are playful and upbeat with your exchanges.
    • You positively and patiently look forward to his response.
    • In the meantime, you focus on other things.
    • You keep your options open and don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
    • You understand that a romantic partner is a piece of the pie, not the whole pie.
    • You have lots of ways to occupy your time and don’t sit passively waiting.

Why this works better:

    • The guy sees you as a confident woman capable of initiating.
    • But he also has time to make up his mind and space to move towards you.
    • Because you have other things to do, he sees you have a well-balanced life.
    • He doesn’t feel pressured by you and feels free to do as he pleases.
    • He’s more likely to be intrigued and want to reach out.
    • This creates a more even exchange of energy.
    • Communication feels easy, with no pressure to make early decisions.
    • Dating is more relaxed and fun.

And so what happens if he doesn’t return your serve (i.e. reach back out)? Then he’s likely not that interested in you, is seeing other people, or is not ready, and you’re best moving on! Don’t waste your time on someone who is low effort, inconsistent or a poor communicator.

Empowered dating

The way you come across in the early stages of dating has a lot to do with your energy…are you coming from a place of confidence and faith, or insecurity and fear?

If this is something you struggle with and you want to know how to change your dating experience (or how to even get started), I invite you to a FREE training called Finding Love in the Modern Age.

During this 40-minute masterclass, you will learn:

    • How modern dating has changed since your 20s
    • The 10 biggest mistakes women make when looking for love
    • The surprising reasons why women settle
    • How to know if you’re ready to date (and what to do if you aren’t)
    • What you need to succeed in love!

Learn more and register here

Best of luck in your dating adventures, and hope to see you soon!

❤ Karen

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Do you like to initiate when dating? What works for you? Please share…


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About the author

Karen Strang Allen

Karen is a love and empowerment coach for single women. Widowed at 22 and separated at 35, Karen’s mission is to help single women feel great about who they are and create a life they love so they attract their dream partner. 

Learn More about Karen